NOTBYTHESIDELINES

cny

2010-02-13T02:51:00.002+08:00

had steamboat for reunion dinner last night back home,
and i thought to myself "nothing really special".
and i realised, it was a blessing, cos my family eats like this all the time.
that by itself made it very special to me.

city church's reunion dinner saw God astound us with 9 souls saved.
amazing how people can hear the gospel as long as we try, go through some
trouble, go through some hardwork, water it with prayers. and BAM! it happens.

if those stares meant something,
lets erase it.
if those thoughts running in your head made you tired,
lets stop there.

2010-02-11T19:01:00.002+08:00

ive never had reunion dinner this early during cny before.
but theres always a first time. haha

nothing can take me from your great love,
forever this truth remains.
in your embrace i wanna lay
hear your heartbeat and what you have to say
cos in the secret place, is the safest place
its in your arms i wanna lay.

did i mention? im happy!:)

a self reminder.

2010-02-11T01:13:00.003+08:00

tonight, i am reminded of how God has been faithful in my life,
sticking with me through the different seasons.
and i realised, theres really nothing more i can ask for
other than for Him to fill my life completely, for me to experience the true satisfaction in Him.

i often tell people, that if God is not real, i wont be doing what im doing.
and tonight, its no different and i mean it.
i cant explain the kind of satisfaction and joy that i find in Him.
if i could, i would write a book right away.

i hear people say they find no meaning in life and honestly im no better, its just that God gave me a direction, and a purpose to continue wanting to wake up each day. so tonight, i go back to the question of reminding myself and others, why not give Jesus a try? no really, why not?

i learnt, theres really nothing much we can lose.

i love festive seasons, like Christmas and Chinese new year:)
i like it when home is decorated and filled with goodies.

i need to sleep, an early morning awaits. heading down to bartley tmr!

life is sweeet, if only youd taste it.

2010-02-06T00:47:00.002+08:00

idealism,

is not a bad thing.

lets manage expectations:)
lets walk happy.
lets make a change.
lets live life the way we were CALLED to live life:)

today, i thought of making financial investments,
i think im really planning for my future.
its only practical. haha.

have been working at high achievers and church,
and im honestly enjoying what life
is throwing at me, taking one step at a time,
but looking far enoough to make sure i dont trip.

on that note, i really need to pack my room.

resolutions for 2010

2009-12-31T15:52:00.002+08:00

new year resolutions for "public accountability" haha.

to sum it up, "Love God more, Love people more with nothing to prove"

but, to break it down.

1. Read at least 7 books.

2. Exercise at least twice a week.

3. Lead 3 people to Christ personally.

4. Make sure that i hear from God everyday, and walk away with something everyday.

5. Get my driving license.

6. Eat dinner with family at least twice a week.

7. Pursue one thing i always wanted to pursue. (still contemplating what haha)

8. Get in place drum lessons.

9. Be an encourager.

10. In everything, may God be the centre.

i think the list can go on forever, but for now, i think this is realistic enough.

2009 was a year where God made himself so real to me through the good and hard times.
a year that made me realise that who i am now is one who was carried by mightier hands.
where i realised the importance of supplication and obedience.
i dare say 2009 made me grow by a leap, emotionally, spiritually and in ministry.
this whole year, month by month is still etched in my mind.
i say this year seems to be like a year on replay mode thanks to me retaking my a levels again,
but despite that grueling time, i found God's faithfulness.
Despite the situations i didnt wanna be in, i knew somehow it was orchestrated for me to experience what i experienced, and i came out from each experience, mountain or valley realising and thanking God for it, just because he was always there, as a father, a friend, a provider, a healer, and the list can go on till forever.
But really, thinking back on 2009 brings back nostalgia.
i remember hearing Pastor dan say "my new years resolution is to have nothing to prove"
and i adopted that as my own resolution. and God did let me learn it through his creative ways. haha.
But this year, my resolution is abit more expanded as u can see, but its still to learn the art of having nothing to prove.

i couldnt have made it through this year without God. i really couldnt have.

my steadfast rock, unchanging.

2009-12-30T21:41:00.003+08:00

CHRISTmas totally whizzed past me, came too fast, passed too fast.
its most prob cos i came back from japan a little too near Christmas, didnt have enough time to settle down and absorb the christmas atmosphere.
but still, i liked how it went:)

Me without you is a lie.
My heart needs to be where you are.
Cos i dont wanna go somewhere
if i know that youre not there.
And ill never wanna go somewhere
if i know that youre not there.
i dont wanna walk that road,
be a million miles away from home,
cos my heart needs to be right where you are.
-avalon.

2009-12-18T17:04:00.006+08:00

today reiterated the lesson that doing the right thing is never easy.
in fact, its one of the hardest things ever.
"who ever said doing the right thing is easy? - no one''
" but the rewards and promises are garaunteed"
- and with that i hold on to what pleases God, and trust him for everything else.

sometimes i think its funny how we try to take things in our own stride,
handle situations, handle emotions to the best we can.
try to envision our future and plan towards that.
but really, why havent we learnt to just trust God in every step we take,
walking in obedience and supplication every step. wont that make life alot easier and more carefree? if so, why arent we doing so? hmmm.
obedience has been complicated by our own desires, supplication complicated by fear to surrender.

and like mj says, its human nature.
but i think human nature has been overly used as an excuse.
its time to live a life set apart.
to be in the world but not part of the world.
only then, will life makes sense, complete sense.
that im sure.
its not idealistic, its merely something we havent grasped.
trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on ur own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.

- i speak for myself.

replay stop forward fast forward rewind.

2009-12-16T14:46:00.002+08:00

im in japan niseko now.
i always longed for the opportunity to sit by a fire place with a nice book, nice music, huddled on a nice couch by the fireplace, wearing layers of clothing to keep warm, and white snow falling right outside the window.
and guess what... its happening right now! hahha. just that its a automatic heater instead of a fireplace and a laptop/netbook instead of a book. haha.

its been a good trip and i honestly feel very blessed, blessed with a family, blessed with the opportunity, and of course generally blessed by God. i look at the snow, and everytime i go up the ski lift, it amazes me how God creates such beautiful things.

today was the second day of skiing, and so far we've been having really good food.
nothing much has changed since 2 years ago back when we came, but i like this apartment better:)

but really, as much as im enjoying myself, they say home is where the heart is, and yes, admittedly its back in spore where home is. but till then, ill make full use of my time here:)
food and everything all paid for hahhaha, what more is there to ask for? lol. this is one of the reasons i dont want to grow up as fast, cos then holidays are not free anymore. haha.

when you are mine and i am yours,
till then, may my every action please you.
may i always be found in your embrace.
for in that secret place, all is laid down and all is found.

when life is on replay, when all i ever desired for is placed before me,
may my choices always be aligned to your upward call for my life.
may the words i speak be few, yet pleasing.
may all i do make you smile.

in my weakness, you are strong.
in my fraility, you are mighty.
in my joy, you are my contentment.
in my life, you are God.
and will always be.

2009-11-20T02:23:00.002+08:00

dearest hamy,
i read your blog entry, and i finally read the card you gave me on sunday.
pardon me for not reading it at once, but i always had a thing for cards,
i like to keep it till the right time to read it.

but anyway, ive been so privileged to run along this journey with you.
i dont think i deserve what you mentioned in the card, but it was encouraging nonetheless.
like you, i do better when i pen my thoughts down.
so maybe at the bus stop, at the dinner i couldnt entirely express how i felt.
i never thought a cell like this could make you this happy,
and honestly im very grateful to God for all that has happened.
ive got lots more to say, so ill be emailing you:)

@ raffles city starbucks.

2009-11-18T00:16:00.002+08:00

i think its become a habit that i blog before i study proper.
had farewell dinner for hamy at cityhall,
so i decided to stay on here at raffles city starbucks to study,
and ive come to really like it here.
and its good that its pretty near home.
i wish i had the super power to not sleep for the next 2 days plus.
and after that, the super power to sleep for days. that would be nice.
oh wait, i already do have that power:)

so you know when youre stuck at home having to study, sometimes
you get entertainment from the simplest things like YOUTUBE.
i was watching xfactor yesterday, watching how contestants got accepted into the liveshows and how emotional they got, the expression on their faces and how much it meant to them to be accepted and for their mentors to believe in them.

danyl johnson : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUKryu26__Q&feature=PlayList&p=C5318D3920CDA278&index=0&playnext=1

jamie archer : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRRBi6TsD2U&feature=PlayList&p=iPSWjN5P6Vs

stacey : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8tnJkk40UI&feature=PlayList&p=iPSWjN5P6Vs

and and, of course lucie, joe, olly.

i watched these videos and the importance placed on dreams, the importance of the acceptance cos it would mean the world to them, the approval cos it might just be the first time someone believed in them, and then took a back seat and thought to myself, when was the last time i felt this accomplished and happy? arent we supposed to be living a fulfilling life?

- and so the matter of fact is that, unless i feel as happy and accomplished everyday, i havent understood the will of God in my life. i really havent.

imagine feeling this happy everyday, and more?

and now, i start studying:) goodnight!

studying outdoorssssss

2009-11-16T01:00:00.003+08:00

tonight, im studying outdoors,well partially outdoors.
ive really grown to like the calmness at the patio,
accompanied by crickets.
church today was enjoyable,
like axel mentioned, ive grown to appreciate the small things,
even if its just doing whacky things and eating together as a cell after service.
it did feel like family, the comfort of it all.
hamy is leaving this fridayyy, and i wont be able to meet her anymore.
and reality hit when she left on 23 to tamp with the rest while i was gg to head home. but alls goooddd as long as shes good.

and so, tmr, or rather today, marks the start of a crazy week.
5 days 5 papers, after calculation i realised i have 14 hours of writing to do this week, i just hope my brain and hands wont hurt.
i feel like a time bomb, awaiting 4 30pm on friday.

i only realised i hadnt had dinner at 12 plus am,
so i cooked myself instant noodles,
plonked myself at the patio and started reading for tmrs exam.

in the words of trudy ann and myself, theres no correlation between studying and being bothered by problems. well of course our mind wanders off at times, but we came to an agreement that studying keeps your mind of problems. Not that im suffering from any issue now, but i guess i kind of got to understand why people suppress emotional pain with occupying themselves, busying themselves. to a certain extent, it works. haha. but please dont try it at home.

and tonight, for reasons unknown,
id like to say im not strong enoough,
was never strong enough to overcome whatever life threw at me.
i know it sounds cliche, but God held me throughout.
and i dont apologise for being cliche,
because theres truth in it.

10 reasons

2009-11-13T21:07:00.002+08:00

one more week to freedom,
God has been good throughout:)

but stilll, i dont like the feeling of having a major exam the next day.
so im grateful its friday:)
anyway, aunty ivy and wei guo came over for dinner and we had a ball of a time over dinner.
ive got a heap of work and notes that await me,
but ahh well, we'll get over it soon!

sometimes we go around looking for reasons,
we give 10 reasons why or why not.
but i guess, sometimes true love has no reason.
when He loved me, there was no reason to, he just did.
it wasnt even rational, so why did he?
ill never comprehend.

singing competition?!?!?

2009-11-06T01:05:00.002+08:00

scene : tv area outside my room

grandma: "ah girl ah! when is ur church camp ah?"
me : "why?"
grandma : "i joining the huang jing nian hua competition, you all( all my grandchildren and children and family ) have to come support me. make banners and all!
bro rushes out : "jie! guess what!"
me :"what?"
bro : mama is going to join huang jing nian hua, you know the golden age singing competition!
me: "you all are serious huh?!"
bro and grandma : ''yeah of course"
me : "but mama cant speak chinese properly! how to answer or understand the judges?"
grandma: "can one lah, my friends say my voice very good, so they signed me up"

and we laughed for a good 10 minutes, walked into the room, and darren gerald and i discussed how we wouild go about doing it, without embarrassing ourselves and dashing her hopes.

but whew, it turned out to be a prank.
i tell you, we were seriously shocked and contemplating what to do,
and already decidin on cheers hahahaha.

but just to check again,
me: "mama, you sure u not joining? or u heard our responses then u embarrassed to go?"
grandma : "you think i so daring ah?! my friend going lah, i just going to support her!"

WHEWWWWW.

that gave me my daily dose of laughter,
i needed it especially after studying a good 8 hrs today on geog and math.
i seriously need grace.
more than grace, i need mercy. haha.

not me.

2009-11-05T01:41:00.001+08:00

if theres anything good that comes out of this, its all God:)
im dead serious.

2009-11-04T20:19:00.002+08:00

so i just got back from jogging,
not very long a jog thanks to the lightning flashes across the whole sky,
but it felt good nevertheless.
i dont like jogging actually, i dont see much thrill in
the routine, id rather play a ball game or sprint.
but when lethergy creeps in,
jogging helps i guess.

time flies when you least want it to,
and creeps when u beg for it not to.

i feel like blading,
i feel like going skiing
i feel like going on a holiday shopping spree
i feel like doing anything other than mug. haha.

''the familar scent
somewhat edged in my mind.
the familar knowing of what is to come
creeping in and out up there.
i dream a dream in a dream,
intangible and unreal.
yet, an evocation of hope made so evident.
in the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds,
im thinking signs and seasons as the north wind blows through,
walking stories, whos and hows and whys.
ill be holding back the darkest nights for you.
and i find myself wanting to move to your rhythm of love''
cos...

- Your love is extravagant.

:)

2009-11-04T03:21:00.002+08:00

seasons come seasons go.
life is good, it really is,
except for the fact that i have exams that will only end on the 20th nov.
arghh, but i guess, unknowingly the structure and having a sense of direction at the very least
is playing an essential part in life being good.

seasons come seasons go,
we'll walk it well when the time comes.
seasons come seasons go,
lets just go with His flow.

im happy:)
but the exam feeling is abit irritating.
you see, i dont like pressure, never did, never will.

greatness embedded

2009-11-03T04:32:00.003+08:00

i just got back from the airport,
i know its a rather unearthly hour,
but i cant exactly help it that im more or a night person than a morning person.
you see, ive been trying to sleep early and wake up early.
but when it comes to the best time to study,
i think i can safely say i still prefer studying at night.
though i wish sometimes i was a morning person.

at this point in time, my teeth are hurting from the rubber bands that i havent been wearing consistently.

and i have a thought about greatness.
again, have you ever felt like there was such greatness in you?
1. this sense of greatness you know u always had inside but havent reached a point in your life where you meet that time of convergence, where you say to urself "this is what i was created for?"
2. or maybe, this greatness hasnt been discovered by anyone, not even yourself, either case,
deeply embedded in each of us is ; greatness.
3. and if you always knew u had greatness in you all along, do u know in which direction you should be channeling your greatness towards? and maybe im not just talking about the end call for our lives, im thinking the small steps of progress we take towards that high call in life, do we really know what is required of ourselves?

till then,
the definition of me is You

joy.

2009-10-31T02:21:00.003+08:00

today while doing math,
i felt God's joy come over me. ( i dont know why all of sudden ) haha
but it was as if, there wasnt any other place i wanted to be other than in his will,
his presence.

and oh, did i mention that the meeting with Lance wallnau was amazing?
great insights, great communication skills.
botanical gardens tmr early morning, i need to get some rest.
and mug till i survive :)

and nothing's gonna hold me back.
cos my chains are lost,
my heart is freee.
cos you gave everything for me.
you gave everything for me.

i sleep happy:)

- get busy, get going, get a life.

our desires surrendered.

2009-10-28T03:31:00.004+08:00

we tend to always want what we cant get,
but really, if what we wanted all along was placed right before us, in our face to receive,
would we take it?

- if not, then why do we desire for it so much?

The general prejudice against Mr Darcy is so violent, that it would be the death of half the good people in Meryton, to attempt to place him in a amiable light.

I am not equal to it. Wickham will soon be gone; and therefor it will not signify anybody here, what he really is. Sometime hence it will be all found out and then we may laugh at their stupidity in not knowing it before. At present i will say nothing about it.

"You are quite right. To have his errors made public might ruin him forever. He is now perhaps sorry for what he has done, and anxious to re-establish a character. We must not make him desperate."

- Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.

if theres nothing good to say, dont speak.

stick through it.

2009-10-26T18:30:00.003+08:00

am at starbucks now, about to start and finish importance of being earnest, or so i hope. :)

cycles are cycles cos they repeat.
today, my prayer is that i wont be caught in any negative cycle.

nothing really satisfies,
than when you speak my name.
so tell me that youll never leave
everything will be ok.
in your presence, all fear is gone.
in your presence.
in yur presence is where i belong.
in your presence.
father i returning to things i used to do.
cos somewhere on the journey,
i think i lost hold of the truth.
that nothing really satisfies
than when you speak my name.
so tell me that youll never leave,
and everything will be okay.
- jason upton.

last night i had a talk with tong neng at the bus stop,
and i left thinking about sticking through decisions we make in life.
- relative.

love hurts?

2009-10-22T03:33:00.004+08:00

we are meant to be heartmenders, not heartbreakers.

in our own pursuits, we should be pulling people along.
in reaching our destiny, we look out for others.
on this journey, we hold other hands.
in everything we do, we do not break people.

- the breaking is done by God. not us.

recently, ive been quite tired of hearing marriages fail, divorces, relationships broken, parties getting hurt all in the name of love.
grandma told me this dire state her friend is in, with her husband running along with a woman 25 years old younger, claiming that shes just his god daughter.

firstly, if so, it brings the connotation of God to trampled ground.
secondly, we dont hurt people we love. thats just the blunt truth.
and even if it kills us to try to evoke some trickle of love for the other party, we have no right to hurt them.

-im speaking for myself.
love is not meant to be painful, it was never intended to be.

intimacy

2009-10-20T02:07:00.004+08:00

at this moment, in my head is e thought of intimacy.

its funny yet amazing how no matter how strong a front we put on,
how uptight one may look,
we have certain inclinations to certain people, certain passions.
and the truth of the matter is, we all have certain people we want to be abit closer with, abit more intimate with.
mind you, im not just referring to just physical intimacy, but really just intimacy as a whole,
in terms of time spent, emotions poured out, secrets, support, understandings.
and as i listened to wrap me in your arms by Michael Gungor, i realised God is no different.
and this inclination he has is towards his children.

today, in the car on the way to the airport with grandma to collect my phone, i had one of the best talks with grandma. she was sharing me events of my younger days, sharing with me events i never really knew about. there and then in the car, God's presence hit me and i couldnt stop crying. grandma thought i was frustrated or upset but all i could say was, "nah im not upset". in fact, i was crying cos i felt so loved by God. how i saw him answer prayers from before, and i felt as if day by day, i was living in his miracle. it wasnt a fancy talk, nothing BOOMZ. but there and then, i found yet again who i am in God, how he has held me in place since day 1, and how he has NEVER failed me.

cons should live in the mountains.

2009-10-19T19:10:00.003+08:00

we return to same places,
different intentions.
we return to same situations,
different desires.
we return to the same comfort,
different words.
we return to time and space,
making sure we learn, not falling back into the same cycles in life.

and in fact, in that returning and steering away, we are moving forward.

last night, i left my blackberry at starbucks aiport.
today, i dropped my camera and the screen cracked.
i think its a sign to stay away from technology for a month.
i should live in the mountains.

anyway, i think i should go jogging in awhile to do away with this lethargy.
and i feel like flying away, going on a holiday!
ive really been a overseas holiday person, but when my exams near, i always feel like flying away. hahah, and by now, you should be able to conclude that it is very much evoked by escapism, stress coping mechanism.
- the nothing box? haha

but God has been good. he has always been good.

-brooke fraser.

brain juice sucker.

2009-10-15T17:22:00.003+08:00

essay writing sucks brain juice.
i found a new work station for myself at home.
the biggest table in the house - the dining table. :)
and i wonder why i dont find a proper place.

2009-10-15T08:32:00.002+08:00

so, im in bed, under my comfortor, with aircon blowing right at me:) nice.
mr ho agreed to postponing our lesson to next week cos
i havent been taking care of my body enough.
anyway, ive a heap of notes awaiting and calling out to me.
essays that i should be writing.
and im deciding what time i should be starting on them.

this morning, i woke up with the thought that im very blessed.
being able to wake up in peace.
being able to even wake up and live another day.
having people who love and care for me.
serving a God who never fails.

and...... then theres the blackberry. HAHA.

the rose within.

2009-10-14T02:36:00.004+08:00

the stress factor is creeping into me.
seriouslyyyyyyyyyyy.
apparently this optimism i have inside me works for me and against me.
no pain no gain no pain no gain.

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it.
He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom... it died.
So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.
We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.
Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them.
This is one of the characteristic of love... to look at a person, know their true faults and accepting that person into your life... all the while recognizing the nobility in their soul. Help others to realize they can overcome their faults. If we show them the "rose" within themselves, they will conquer their thorns. Only then will they blossom many times over.

- i learnt, dont judge for there is always a rose within.
run your own race, dont interfere another's race.
in our own faithfulness to our own race, we impact those around us.

i need to wash up and sleep.
i cannot be the pig i am anymore. :)

2009-10-13T00:28:00.003+08:00

It's nice to know that you're secured with that someone.
That even if the rain is pouring hard and the sky is almost dark,
he'll never leave you just so you won't feel alone.
Even when ypu pretend you dont need him
he'd still stay by your side, just so you won't feel alone.

It's so good to know that you have someone who'll be willing to help you cope up in every frustration you're having.
Every depressing moment, every down moment,
every self-worthless-realization moment,
he'd be there, not because you want someone to be with you,
but because he wants to be with you.

It's great to know when someone appreciates every little thing you do.
Even a smile would mean a lot to him, just because you own that smile.
And that even if no words are expressed as long as the heart understands, you'd be able to communicate, just like that.

It's overwhelming when a person tells you that he loves you for who you are.
He may not have an answer when you ask him why, but really,
he doesn't have to have reasons for loving you.

It's a wonderful feeling when you're on the verge of giving up the things you've worked hard for, someone isn't just helping you carry the weight on your shoulders, but he carries it on his own because he'd also be in pain when you are in pain.

And then you'll realize, trials would all be worth it as long as you have him, not because he makes all things like a bed of roses, but because you gather all the strength you need, in him and his love, in that knowing and assurance that every plan is for the best.

It's a superb feeling when one is willing to take the risks just so you'll be happy.
Unselfishness rule in him just so happiness would take over you.

It's a nice feeling that when you're apart, and days seem to be long, that person misses you. Yes, you might feel bad about not being with each other, but knowing that you feel the same way would drive those blues away, thinking, you'd fight over that feeling because you're looking forward to seeing each other, and that's something to be happy about.

It's a great feeling when he wants to be with you because of the happiness you have when you're together. That even if silly and senseless stories are told, it won't matter as long as youre together.

It's a lovely feeling when someone thinks about your future, with or without him.
He cares and he cares enough to think of you and what you'll be someday.
But of course, he also wants in every part of it.

It's a nice feeling when you can be who you really are with that person. No pretentions, no lies, no hypocrisy, because he accepts you for who you are. You can be funny, you can be embarrased, but it won't matter coz it doesn't matter to him.

It's good to know that you have someone who'll not have the intentions of breaking your heart. Instead, he would be willing to mend it, picking up the broken pieces of your heart that your past love have scattered in the ground. He may not be able to put the pieces back to where they really belong, but you shouldn't mind, because he had repaired that heart of yours, and he fixed it in his own way. He loves you in his own way, not the way your past did. He fixed your heart in a different way, to keep you from feeling the pains of your past heartache and to make you feel, the love, that he's unselfishly giving.

It's a great feeling when that person has every effort to let you feel what he feels for you. Because of the distractions, you may not hear him shout it to the world, but as long as you feel it, his efforts has paid off, big time. And when you feel the same way too... He'd feel as if he's the most blessed.

... when in fact, you're more blessed to have him.

- thats what i call having a relationship with Jesus.
in fact, its so much more than this.

2009-10-12T17:14:00.003+08:00

watching toy story1 yesterday on youtube made me realise that its amazing how we mature and grow in understanding with age. go figure:)

same side of the moon.

2009-10-12T00:45:00.003+08:00

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon.

today was a good sunday.
1. service was good.
2. encouraged by those who brought friends.
3. i could go home and have lunch and sleep. ( never managed to get such rest when generations service was at 1, dont get me wrong.i love generations services, but having early services has its own advantages haha)
4. and so. i still had time to meet cell to study, chill at jco and have our rooftop dinner, ( while they enjoyed hiding my phone around. )
5. did an essay @ starbucks
6. grandma is nice to mee, but when it comes to near exams, shes extremely nice.
she'll fetch me up and down, buy food for me yadah yadah.

becos of how much i managed to do today, it didnt feel like a normal quick ending sunday!:)

playlist: corinne may

breathroughhhh ehhh.

I picture you across the oceans
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change
It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon.

2009-10-10T22:20:00.002+08:00

it should come to a point when our desires are not our desires anymore.
when the good feeling we feel is not just happiness, but joy.
it should come to a point when we know we have fulfilled our call in life.
when its not about i anymore, but all about Him.

"have you ever felt like you were different? as if there was greatness awaiting to burst forth from your very being?" - cloudy and the chance of meatballs.

- yes, definitely.

importance of solitude, God given solitude.

2009-10-10T01:57:00.006+08:00

yesterday, i spent most of the day alone studying at carls junior.
apart from the few people like my turor,the hairstylist, ariane and daphne who dropped by with their cell members and starbucks thereafter, and tuition, i was alone. though it doesnt sound like i had much of alone time, i did, i had about 5 hours. haha

but anyway my point is that i realised as much as i get energised by meetups with people, get excited when talkin to people, love being around friends, i need my alone time as well.

I believe that no matter how extroverted we can be, we need some time in solitude, alone, some personal space - we all need that alone time though it differs from person to person.

Our lives are often so hectic that from morning to night we are surrounded by others. For some, the only time they truly spend “alone” is while they’re sleeping. Yet, solitude – simply being by yourself to do whatever it is you please – is something that experts say is a basic need as important as having relationships with others.

One thing we ought to understand and grapple with is the fact that God sometimes brings us through situations of solitude, seasons in our lives where we have to learn to be alone and independent both physically and naturally. many a time, we confuse such seasons to being lonely. but really, solitude is a positive state – not to be confused with loneliness, which is a negative one – in which your mind and body are truly free in God. I reckon most of us have mood swings. But i learnt that we all have to learn to be secure in such seasons where God brings us through solitude, orchestrating for us alone time, making the valleys a place of moulding and not go emo-ing away. These seasons of solitude are meant to recharge us, they are a gift to us, giving us time to think and realign ourselves. It is God's way of giving us spiritual and emotional alone time.

It is a pity that many of us, youths esp, confuse the concept of God-given solitude with loneliness. Indeed, loneliness is emotionally depleting, interpersonally inhibiting, and psychologically regressing. when we are lonely, we feel empty. Intimacy needs are not met and, if they are, they somehow remain fundamentally unsatisfying. And in the midst of such a confusion btw solitude and loneliness, we look for activities, partners, passions to fill that void, to fill that loneliness. The cycle continues because without that season of solitude, our lives will be a downward spiral, and we will never truly understand what it means to be recharged in the secret place. Our lives can go on as normal, but it would pale in comparison to someone who has gone through the place of solitude, the place of security and assurance.

i truely belief that at different points in our lives, we will all be called to that place of solitude, but really what we choose to do with that time, how we handle our emotions, what we choose to fill it with will determine the rest of our lives.

2009-10-10T01:53:00.003+08:00

we drove past the school
we drove past the library
we drove past the church
we drove past the junior college
we drove past a friends house
we drove past east coast beach
we drove past parkway
and we reached home.

2009-10-10T01:49:00.003+08:00

God moved in cell today.

1. deep things of God. - the word. the bottomless pit bowl.
2. arrows, sharpening, moulding.
3. "will you trust in me?"

2009-10-09T14:51:00.002+08:00

i learnt that to be able to trust that his plans are whats best for me needs more than faith, more than knowledge. it requires a relationship with Him.

the episode of the lost ring and sayings,
a manifestation of what is, not, or yet to come.
in the midst of uncertainty,
there has to be an understanding that there is great joy.
not bliss that comes with ignorance, but joy that comes with assurance.

i inititally felt like blogging a whole chunk of thoughts, but as soon as i reached this page, they diffused. uh ohhhh

22sept

2009-09-22T16:36:00.003+08:00

i havent been blogging consistently the past two months, whenever i had the inspiration or feeling to do so, blogger got abit crazy on me.

today is grandmas birthday.
well, other than Jesus,
shes one person who stuck with me through life, through what life would throw in my face.
shes one person i can be totally comfortable being around, without having anything to prove.
shes one person who bathed me when i was young, scolded me while i grew up, taught me values as a person and loved me for who i am.
shes one person who would go the extra mile for me.
i remember her telling me a few times, '' though i scold u and all, but if anyone touches my grand daughter i will hunt them down and kill them, i go jail also nevermind. Actually i love you very much one.''
as u can see( and i hope ) she was referring to it metopherically, not a very spiritual statement i know but a very real one. and of course, she doesnt quite realise that if u kill someone, you go to jail hahaa. so i say its not a literal statement. whenever i hear that statement, inside me i smile cos she always says it as if i never knew. but i always did.
shes one person who picks up after me, cooks for me, buys my favourite food without really asking for anything in return.
shes one person i have had the biggest quarrels with, but yet the best quality moments.
shes one person who always fetches me up and down.
shes one person whom i grew up sleeping with, and couldnt sleep without.
shes one person whom i care the most for, though i seldom say it, yet there are times when i feel like ive neglected her the most.
shes one person who has inspired me with her simple faith in God, her fervency in sharing the gospel with her friends through acts of kindness like spending time with them, cooking for them.
initially i thought it was normal for people to be doing such things, but as i grew older, i realised such acts of kindness was less than common, it was almost extinct. and that was when i knew she was more than ordinary, she was extraordinary.
shes one person who has a big circle of friends, and i see how these relationships has held her in place through the good and bad times.
shes one person who sings like no one is hearing, her karaoke sessions at home makes her seem oblivious to the outside world sometimes.
shes one person whom i can lie on, feeling at home, feeling the most comfortable.
shes one person who sews pillow cases, home clothes, cny pjs like no other has.
shes one person who fetches me up and down, and when shes frustrated, she always says " this is the last time im gg to fetch you" and up till now, she still fetches me around.
shes one person whom i can be totally at ease with, not talking over the dinner table with her doesnt make me feel awkward.
shes one person that i dont see any need to prove to becos shes seen me grown up through the years.
shes one person whom i have shared most of my life with, the good and bad.
shes one person of which through her simple faith and simple prayers every night brought the whole family back to God.
shes one person who instills family values through the most simple ways. " you only have one brother/ one family/ if u dont do this/ love them/ do that for them, who will? "
and i know, shes the one person ill miss most if she ever passes on.
thats the triviality of life, but i know shes found in the arms of GOD.
but for now and the many more years that will come,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA!

2009-08-12T02:34:00.003+08:00

my nose feels like its dropping off from all the sneezing.

beer garden.
the phone sounded.
reality hit.
ECP highway, turn left or turn right?
LEFT.
on the other side, somebody receives, somebody gives back.
on this side, somebody gives, somebody receives.
its a nice thought.
and it remains a nice thought.
for now, greater things await.
fireworks await.

2009-07-24T00:16:00.002+08:00

i love trips to ikea, especially trips like today where i didnt have to pay anything yet get what i wanted:)

i feel like painting a wall purple.
but it doesnt help that my room has built-in furniture.
of which i cant move the way i want to.
and so, when i would like some change to the room i return to everyday,
the idea of built-in furniture is rather impractical in such instances.
nevertheless, im comfortable:)

i love weekdays! dont u love weekdays?!

2009-07-23T00:50:00.000+08:00

i NEED and WILL succeed.
thankyouvehmuch.

2009-07-22T16:27:00.001+08:00

love should be expressed, not hidden.

:)

2009-07-18T01:34:00.003+08:00

i see pictures, i see words.
ive seen pictures, ive seen words.
pain in such a case, doesnt grow, it fades, it goes away.
but the joy God on the other hand, grows, and stays within.
January speaks a whole lot of difference,
learning what should have been learnt,
the first three steps i tried to deny,
but really, im glad im glad im glad i didnt.
whats in a name? whats in a name? whats in a name?

mm,cm,km.
:)

soo, i need to wake up terribly early later, down to kallang netball centre.
long day ahead! sleep i must.

"this painting, is not meant for me"
"this picture is not meant for me to be part of, cos THE photographer is waiting to snap a better one"

2009-07-14T01:23:00.003+08:00

elimination rounds in process.
sometimes brings things to a halt,
other times to a continuation.
in the cab, on the way home,
i realised, im closer than ever to what i was
really seeking for:)

black horse,
take time to smell the roses.

friendships

2009-07-10T01:50:00.003+08:00

wrote a letter that shouldnt be read till
a few years down the road.

played wing defence today
against U17.
team with great sportsmanship i must say:)
i need to sleep.

so i was reading sth about friendships:)

With some friends you just instantly feel like you've come home, but with most, it is a process of finding and becoming a home for each other. a home starts with just a shell...just a bare structure...four walls and a roof, a very basic and neccessary shelter to keep dry and safe. but then furniture needs to go in, and lights and all the little things that fill up rooms and make the nondescript places personal to you, your very own. the longer one stays in a home, the more stuff gets collected and the more personal it becomes.
In short, Friendship is like a home, the more comfortable you get, the more at home you are... that one can come back to, after all our wanderings.

i agree that friendships dont die for the very personal belief that what has been built has been built. but i do believe that this "built" relationship takes so much more than what we perceive to build, and then sustain.

i used to think that the more u experience life together as friends, the less change can occur, thus the less we feel distant from each other. i still hold that true to a certain extent, but ive learnt that when we allow others into our inner most world, where we make ourselves most vulnerable emotionally to each other with good intention, thats where friendship is built. And what has been built has been built, and that episode can never be torn down unless we ourselves allow it too.

Uncomfortable as it may be, the structure of the home still remains, even if left alone for very long spans of time. What has been built HAS been built, and that reality is something tangible indeed and very hard to tear down, as if it never was.Even if the shell of the home is all that is left, it stands as a reminder of a common space 2 people onced shared, even if they don't anymore.And i think...there is no lock on the door of a friendship. the friends who share (or shared) it can walk in and out of it at will. No one person owns the key to any friendship exclusively, because there is none to own. The friendship exists solely for those 2 friends and they have joint ownership of this property, whether they acknowledge it or realise it.

i think friendships "die" when we are not there to experience the change in each others life, and so after a long period, we meet them up again and think to ourselves "they have changed so much", but really, sometimes its cos we werent there for them in those instances of change in their lives:)

Sometimes one person remains alone in the house (it isn't a home when there is only one) and waits for a very long time for the return of the other. Sometimes the other may eventually return, or never. sometimes one returns only to find that the other had left just a moment before. Sometimes both just don't return, for various reasons.But whatever it is, i think...the friendship still remains, if only just a shell of something that once was a home, as long as those 2 who were friends still are alive. it may be long-neglected, dusty, moldy, decaying...but what was built HAS been built and it would take stronger hands than we have, to so demolish it so that it left not even a trace.And i think...that is both the beauty and the tragedy of friendships. sometimes you would almost hope that they could be removed without a trace....and other times, we are so grateful that they can't.

many instances, we connotate friendships to happiness too flippantly. and i beg to differ from it, cos in friendships, theres beauty in tragedy, never just beauty.

like it or not, everything boils down to choice, even something as natural as friendships and relationships:)

2009-07-09T18:27:00.002+08:00

"picnic in your own room",
is the in-thing if you didnt know:) haha

so, i was just sitting in my room.
and i remembered the itopics questions discussed just two days back.
what makes home feel like home?
- family
what makes your home feel like home?
what makes your room feel like your room?

i need to pack my room.
like really start throwing things away.
im too sentimental at times to throw things away.
sometimes it feels like an experience / moment is thrown away.
but i need to, if not ill die old, to others in a pile of junk,
which actually to me is a collection of memories.
okay, but im just procrastinating cos theres so much to clear.

2009-07-08T19:10:00.002+08:00

grandma bought me an MJ cd today,
and she was singing to it while she was driving me back.
indeed, my family is full of MJ fans:)
got home and aunt was crying after watching videos on the internet. haha
before you start thinking my family is weird.
really for us, it goes beyond just his music and dance.
he's been one artist that broke age barriers for us, or at least for me.
brought back memories of the past as a family, both the pains and joy.
MJ reminds me of childhood, family, mom, dad, and the small instances we spent time together as a family.

so today, i played the cd and automatically everyone
congregated at the tv area.
dancing and listening to MJ.
it felt like an experience on replay.

was quite hilarious actually.

Aunt: "wah very sad leh, i watch the videos, very sad lah, his children and all. i cant take such deaths one." * tearing a little *

Gerald : "BUT YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM PERSONALLY!"
hahahah.

Aunt: ( reality sets in but still continues to tear ) HHAHAHAH

the impact one could make with bowed knees to the King of Kings,
loving people genuinely.

During memorial yesterday,
it was mentioned that "the king of pop is bowing down to the King of Kings"
whether or not his life is given to God,
the King of Kings, Jesus Christ still reigns:)

and ive decided, i wanna live "2 forevers"
one on earth and one in heaven.
and when i do die,
i wanna be known for Loving Jesus, Loving people.
that would sum it up.
i think we ought to stop existing, but start living.

2009-07-07T03:17:00.002+08:00

tonight, a strange yet familar emotion visited my world.
and then there was realisation, that we think we need and want something,
when actually we dont. and the freedom and joy comes as soon as we learn it faster.

:) Praise God!

2009-07-07T03:12:00.003+08:00

its more than a feeling.
its more than a knowing.
then theres age that stands right in the middle.

2009-07-06T00:32:00.002+08:00

familarity breeds content.
absence makes the heart grow fonder.

were these two quotes created by the person?
i highly doubt so.

true, yet not entirely true.

today is a good day, tmr will be better.

2009-07-02T23:03:00.006+08:00

as jerome says "today is a good day".

celebrated emi and jeromes birthday today.
it was a heartwarming kind of feeling everytime we celebrate each others birthdays.
nothing grandeur but simple yet family feeling.

bowling before that.

so yesterday saw me at kallang,
match with singapore sports school.
won.
mediacorp coverage was there.
supper at east coast.

two phonecalls that made my night.

thank you for contributing to that one phonecall:)
indeed 2007 was eventful for us,
of course with evidence from the box,
letters, presents, videos, spoons.
but greater years ahead:)
that i truly believe!

i watched MJS 1993 interview last night. and..
hiyahhhhh.

2009-06-30T23:59:00.002+08:00

triangles seem to be everywhere.
for now, i have decided to be a line.
headed in one direction, till month 4.
even then, still a line, till the time comes.

every week differs by the choices we make.
visited the asian art museum yesterday which was pretty cool.
training today which made me feel like i was running like a mad dog.
match tmr with mediacorp coming down for some reason. haha.

in the galleries,
i thought i saw something i never saw before.
the months come by faster,
we are all walking closer to that destiny.
maybe, maybe, we'll never know.

a phonecall

2009-06-28T01:40:00.002+08:00

read this on tong nengs blog who read this on writers block. haha.
but it did make me pause and think.

"You are on a plane that's about to crash.
You have time to make ONE phone call.
Who do you call and what do you say?"

There’s this particular reply that cracked him up a bit -
“I would call up Pam Am (airline company) and say ‘wt* mate?’”

so i realised,

im gonna make a free call, with a prayer to God to get my life right.

its gonna be grandma. for many reasons i do not know why,
but maybe cos i love her enough:)

2009-06-28T00:54:00.003+08:00

its uncertainty in life that makes many keep going.
yet, its also uncertainty in life that makes many stop going.

anyway, shi zi lu kou, food crossroads today was a success!
fun day i must say and how the group managed to gel was great.
coffee club for our youth camp prep, and im excited! haha.
with our camp commandant and assistant camp commandant in place,
with roles allocated, we're on a roll! i hope! haha.

got home and family wanted to go out again. haha.
so we did.

watched MJ on Enews, and
i was reminded of how my family even went to his concert! haha
ive learnt that fame makes people talk about you when you die,
but really, impacting lives through the love of God might not get the world to be talking about you, BUT, you make people around you and a heavenly father smile:)
and i think that by itself is better than fame:)

its never a peak, then a valley, a peak then a valley.
if it is, it makes no sense at all.

loving is better then winning.
winning is nothing without impacting.
we depict our own success and losses.
come close, dont come close.
hear the sound of a revival.
it takes different forms.

lessons

2009-06-27T01:33:00.002+08:00

lesson 1.
decisions no matter how big or small come with consequences, face it, dont let yourself stay on the ground.

lesson 2.
keep those you love close. its never just about that special somone, but keeping those who have loved you despite knowing who you really are, your weaknesses, ur strengths and yet accept that part of you as you. yes, the people who love you too much to leave u the same way.

lesson 3.
a simple life is better than a high life with things crumbling down.

lesson 4.
take time every day to love the simple things, simple people.

lesson 5.
life waits for no one, so move along with it.

lesson 6.
temptations are beautiful and seductive, but their effect is temporal.

lesson 7.
transparency in life is important, very important:)

thursday night was transformers.
and i couldnt believe i felt sad over a machine when optimus prime died.
a robot!
but it did strike me that relationships matter, supercedes the outward.

anyway, so MJ passed away.
it feels like a part of my childhood has been taken away :(
i remember dressing up like him,
mom videoing me dancing, doing the moonwalk.
i was a big fan okay!
haha.

:)

2009-06-25T14:51:00.002+08:00

i enjoy weekdays:)
and the comfort of home.
with aircon and nice music.
studying isnt as bad as i perceived it to be,
but its also not as easy as i hoped it would.
i feel blessed:)
transformers here i come!

snap a different picture, for yourself.

2009-06-25T03:23:00.002+08:00

season 8 episode 3
"maybe you should paint a different picture, try to see a different picture."

so i highlighted and cut my hair today:) the effect's not out yet though.
anyway, 5 hours in that chair was no easy feat. haha.

the one thing i learnt about life,"
"it goes on".
so really, theres no point stopping to
hope or think that life would wait,
or that ur surroundings will mould into your liking.
come away with me my love.
a step at a time,
a minute, hour, week, month, year at a time.
lets start from changing our own world,
living in the freedom and joy we've been called to be in.
a picture speaks a thousand words,
but sometimes a picture does injustice to words.
paradoxical and ironic,
sometimes thats the way life is.
wisdom, ask and ye shall receive.

dying to ourselves.

2009-06-23T01:52:00.002+08:00

bit by bit,
step by step,
we learn to let go more,
and cling on to Him more.
cos really, somethings are not worth recalling.

i had weird dreams last night.
i dreamt i was admitted into hospital in Australia haha,
with classmates. and the night before my operation, i saw my Dad in my hospital bed waiting for me, and i felt comfort. haha. it must have been a Father's day dream. But still weird. and there were a few more obscure dreams, but i dont think they are worth talkin about haha.

so, last week was boot camp.
life changing, liberating, and paradigm shifting!
and i realised, that was the life i wanted to pursue.
one of true love, and joy in His presence:)
im loving life as it is!

2009-06-15T00:51:00.002+08:00

time times 100.

bus 61 is our favourite means of transport so far.
and so for my brothers, it has been a must to go to the it on the first to get what they really need, and the last for the LELONG, cut off prices deals. today, they went there for 2 hours plus and came back with one wireless mouse. haahhah.

granny: why must u all must keep going it fair? and buy so many hard drives and all"

conclusion : "but mama, its like you enjoying tupperware shopping. u buy them to store your stuff. similarly for them, they buy hard drives to store our stuff, its the same principle, just different magnitudes, size and functionality" hahahha

anyway, danielle and raphaela are tucked in my bed now.
again, tonight, i get to feel 1% like a mother. ( cos i think mothers go through alot more )
i was thinking, how my parents coped when i whined and refused to sleep in the nights, how i must have affected their sleeping patterns, and lifestyle, my moms figure, their usual lives.
But when i tucked them into bed, and laid beside raphaela with arms around her, i came to a deeper understanding, or rather, all the concerns and hardships of raising a child seemed to fade in that love and warmth. so really, i concluded, there should be more joy than pain in raising children. if its the other way around, its not that its too much pain, but cos we dont love enough.
if ure worried bout me already. please dont, im not thinking about marriage or having my own children as yet. haha.

the long fall back to earth
what matters, matters.

2009-06-14T02:48:00.002+08:00

i was looking for my iphone cover when i came across a goggle and a red card from the last christmas season.

transparency

2009-06-13T22:15:00.003+08:00

cell today showed me that when we choose to open our lives to others,
choose to be vulnerable to each other to share part of ourselves,
we break free from the masks that hinder us from joy and freedom.
something that i knew and experienced before, but today reiterated that very fact in a simple way. i think being real to others is a choice we can all make, and this choice is not for anyone else really, but our very own selves. we're real people with real problems, thats that:)

i think life should be this way; eyes on Jesus, family, friends, loving, giving and imparting into people.

we talk through the road of life,
meeting people of all sorts,
all sorts of ages, personalities, agendas.
on this road, we meet strangers, passer-bys, acquaintances and people who stay.
many we meet,
many we talk to,
but very few stay throughout.
but i think the least we could do is to stay in someone elses life:)

2009-06-13T02:47:00.002+08:00

there are many faces,
many similar,
but theres a uniqueness in this particular creation.
there are many principles,
many similar,
but theres a reason in abiding by this particular one.
there are many ways,
many similar,
but theres a beautiful end by walkin on this particular path.

so i sit beside,
knowing and unknowing the possibilites,
shunning the impossibilites,
not holding on to the possibilities.
in Him i trust,
in Him i believe.
For now, theres one.
One who holds me in place, oh wont you show me your face:)

azone cell today was somewhat different.
it was a good kind of different, a give and take kind of different:)

2009-06-12T01:50:00.002+08:00

yesterday saw me having bbq with the cell.
was a good time, seeing the young ones bonding,
creating an environment of friendships and relationships.
there were my favourite little cousins who entertained us with their loudness and talkativeness, but lovely altogether, friends who had to entertain them back, boxers and briefs, food of course, birthday celebration for merri shae and jon.

when i saw the smiles, hope arised.
then i decided to crush them.
when i felt the comfort,
the play that assured me of the family's welcome.
i chose to snap.
jolt back to reality as what it was.
a picture reminds, helps to recall the moment.
but really recalling is not good enough,
i wanna see it in the future.

jade's hosting a sports show, so some media ppl came down to film trg today.
trg today was more mind testing than phyical testing.
then it was supper at beauty world.

thanks to you with gratitude.
a legacy, a story, a life, a frail one in Your hands.
whats yours will come back to you.
whats not will leave with His hands orchestrating it all.

broken, contrite.

2009-06-06T02:21:00.003+08:00

today at starbucks, when lijuan randomly talked about the children and lifestyle in cambodia. i heard about the poverty and simplicity of life; happened to look across the table at the guy with the laptop and coffee, was reminded of the bottle of coke i drank at the dump site in philippines that to us seemed like the norm, but to them was a treat; and i thought to myself, treasure.

broken - ness
stripped of self, stripped off own desires, stripped off having nothing to prove.

food for thought, thought for food, personal reminder :
put ourselves in other people's shoes, shut up if theres nothing nice to say.

"He has already planned the test, its only when he wants let you do it"
"fail can try again?"
"fail can try again, but second test is usually harder"
HAHAHAH
hmmmmm. somehow there was abit of sense in rubbish.

change.

2009-06-05T05:20:00.003+08:00

change is the only constant thing,
embrace it cos whether u like it or not, it comes.
theres a timeline, love it or not, it moves.
a minute is enough to blow everything apart.
4 weeks is enough to change a world.
8 is enough to change 3 or more.

i slept at 12 plus, woke up at 4 to get a drink and im still up.
dinner at marina today and supper at simpang thereafter.
netball girls are planning a bbq and stayover at my place the following week, we'll see how things go:)

theres a time and season for everything,
and i think nows the time for things anew!
head held high, onward and forward for one cause.

today reminded me of friendships that matter,
and how sometimes all we need is a certain experience, simple as it may be, to remind and show us the routes we are taking in life.
every route is different, every route has its own joy and pain,
every route has its own memories, good and bad. but really, we should be pursuing the dream and route that best fits us.
today echoed the thought that what does not fit you is not yours.

later in the day, i earn 50 bucks for two hours of teaching people
at MOE how to play netball. not a bad deal.
i should turn in now, for a long day awaits me:)

2009-06-03T00:17:00.002+08:00

so sunday was the last gen service,
emotional it was.
the friendships, memories, encounters, life changing moments, life changing friendships, choking laughters, uncontrollable tears when God moved.
saying that Generations is the best youth ministry would be a sweeping statement, but i guess to me personally, it really is.
dynamic and hungry for God, loving God, loving people, it feels like home.
but really, not all is lost, turning a new page, change being the only constant thing, its not gonna be all the same anymore, but its gonna be exciting times ahead!

ive decided to come up with a weekly routine. haha.
we'll see if it works.

seasons, seasons, seasons.
change, change, change.
standing close up, i steered away.
standing away, i do hope.
when time passes, answers and revelations come.
when you don see the end,
His shield shall fend.
letters after letters,
unknowingly read.
work it out, make it right, do it right, let it last.
dont kid yourself.

love vs lust

2009-05-21T17:56:00.002+08:00

comparisons at the end of the day fail us.

anyway, its a one day plus countdown to an inside look @ the city church.
am pretty excited for what is to come:)

i think my aircon serves me well, but i should let it rest for now. haha.
i tossed and turned in bed for an hour before i could fall asleep last night.
it was as if i was watching movies in my mind the whole one hour, the power of imagination i know right.

there is a think line between love and lust.
love waits, lust wants progression now.
so do you love or lust?

heartfelt song.

2009-05-18T22:26:00.002+08:00

this song of praise, ill sing to you Lord.
take your rightful place, be exalted in our lives.
this life of mine, its all for you Lord.
every move i make, i pray it makes u smile.

nothing to prove, freedom, joy.

2009-05-18T17:58:00.002+08:00

living a life trying to prove ourselves eventually drains ourselves, and at the end, we dont benefit much. Sometimes we dont benefit at all:)

im Yours and you are mine:)

2009-05-17T01:10:00.000+08:00

prayer today at 50 macpherson was pretty amazing.
despite the heat and all today and undone construction ,
i already see it being our new home, God's inhabitation.

1 year plan
3 year plan
5 year plan
10 year plan
i need to plan.
vision, belief, action.

long day again tmr, shower i shall, sleep i will:)

when i saw those shoes,
i saw a glimmer
which i extinguished by choice.
when the ride was abit different,
when i wanted to see a bigger picture,
i could, will, shall.

love as a gift. family as a blessing.

2009-05-16T01:19:00.004+08:00

eventually we all look at a perfect picture and think to ourselves,
the route and process to this would have been alot easier if i...

the supreme surprise of God's love ?
it has nothing to do with you.
self generated, uncaused and spontaneous, his constant-level love
depends on his choice to give it.

:)

i return home everyday,
sometimes taking for granted with what i have at home.
but really, i praise God for the comfort of home, the love and warmth it provides.
occassional conflicts at home, but its amazing how as a family, all these small
disputes add up to nothing in comparison with the love we have for each other.
its the family that sees who we really are, when the world is not looking.
its the family that embraces when the world might not take a second glance.
its the family that looks past our weaknesses and love us for who we are.
its the family that despite our irritating behaviour, tolerates.
its the family who corrects us when we are wrong.

its the family who somewhat makes us who we are, personality character and values.

its the family who supports and provides in the natural,spiritual and emotional ways through simple actions.
but yet, its the family we take for granted the most.
i love my family, i really do:)
i should be doing more.

but for now... haha
long day tmr, i should turn in soon!

ur joy, my strength:)

sending lijuan off

2009-05-14T05:12:00.002+08:00

at the airport, waiting for mrt service to start and i suddenly have inspiration to blog. while i type this, eunice is packing her stuff haha, walking around the viewing mall, vivien took her bag somewhere, chua is tryin his best to sleep, nodding away. haha.
AIM of coming was to send lijuan off, of which she was rather touched by.

i sit and stare,
i sit and stay silent.
i see a reflection that somewhat differs,
this time maybe its the true me,
maybe its just part of me here.
i see planes fly, or rather get ready to fly.
and an inflood comes by,
an inflood even greater than the stature of jetstar planes, sia jumbos.
an inflood i wonder if im able to carry.
the silences reveal to me who i am in God,
but yet reminds me of whispers i heard across oceans of age.
same place, foreign land.
same time, different stages.
same scent, change of taste.
same laughter, differing intentions.
day by day in GOD, staying in his love.
his embrace and joy, my sustainence.
reflections show me a sillouette, of one that is the same outwardly,
but inwardly remains unexplained.
in time to come, the aisle will reveal, reveal a divine explanation.
my God knows, in time ill know:)

a song for you, from you.

2009-05-12T17:35:00.002+08:00

today when i heard a particular song on youtube,
it reminded and hit me in some sense,
it reminded me of how i was inclined to recalling moments, and remembering moments in life, in relation to particular songs:)

whats in a song?
a whole lot of lyrics that came heartfelt from a writer,
which magically describes the particular moment, or feeling.
whats in a song?
a fluent melody that is pieced together.
which stunningly emphasises the mood youre in.
whats in a song?
the power behind the very composition,
the very intention of it, to edify or pull down.
whats in a song?
empty words filling up empty spaces,
the anointing that fills up empty hearts with God's presence.

step forward.

2009-05-08T00:21:00.004+08:00

this few weeks,
i got to enjoy the freedom of being in God,
the joy of just knowing theres only one that you need,
knowing that no matter what ur sustainance comes from Him.
i dont know how to explain it in words, but just that,
nothing actually satisfies, nothing except his presence, his peace.

this week,
life slowed down a little for the good:)
every night i return home, into my room,
i feel a little different from the day before somehow.
which might be a good thing, well at least i think it is.
i havent managed to realise whats the difference of this week,
but..apart from God, friends and family helped in making it a somewhat good past 4 days:)

i havent been blogging cos theres so much that my brain wants to unleash,
but theres no organisation of thought up there. haha.
im too lazy to type anything more now. till thennn.

2009-05-03T02:07:00.002+08:00

cos now it feels right somehow.
which is wierd.
did i hear? did i ever hear? did i hear clearly? or was i hearing what i wanted to hear?

labour day

2009-05-01T22:59:00.003+08:00

a 9.6 run can do wonders.
i really dislike running long distance, its a chore!
but it has its benefits haha.

if i really do check myself,
i still do hope.
if i really see far,
i still do see the future.
if i let myself love,
i still do love.
if i really could pursue what i want,
i would.

i sat in a familar place,
feeling different,
feeling foreign to it all.
now there lies a hurdle, its not about right or wrong, left or right.
but whether you'd allow it all.

i looked around,
in hope to find something.
in hope through conversations,
that missing jigsaw could be found.
but like they say, every jigsaw piece is different.
every jigsaw pience will be diffferent.

theres a perfect picture of reliance and support in Him,
but its not like we see it and feel it naturally.
i wish i had a time machine.
to travel forward, then travel back if need be:)
in Him there is joy.

bloody braces scene.

2009-05-01T01:22:00.002+08:00

match with zenith was good:)
think we did prettaye well as a team.
but it did lead to my bloody braces incident. haha.

scene went like this:
opponent and i were fighting for ball, in the air tryin to grab it.
her head hits my mouth, body banged into each other.
i went OUCH pretty loudly haha, she rolls on the floor. and i realise my inner lip skin was stuck and hooked onto my braces. GROSS I KNOW. i give my position to someone else and go running to the toilet with a bleeding mouth. teeth obviously hurt, and i think its abit shaky now. haha.
but oh well dalia said once the roots stabilises, its gonna be fine.

there was supper at east coast lagoon:) which was good.
but anyway, 9.6 run tmr at 7 am. i should really be sleeping.
running is boring leh:( haha.

i serve a God who loves:)
ppl dont respond to rules, they respond to relationships:)

the learning the learning doesnt stop.
the loving the loving, doesnt stop.
the bearing the bearing doesnt stop.
the smiles the smiles doesnt stop.
security.

2009-04-29T01:56:00.004+08:00

shame? what a joke.

2009-04-26T02:23:00.003+08:00

a latenightchat,
a paradigmshift.
i sat in the comfort of love,
love that covers weaknesses,
love that supports.
and everything else faded away.
every concern turned from black to grey to white.
back in line.
back in the race.
i sat in the comfort of a warm heart.
and she said
"its a horrible feeling to have to wonder what the person would do after u tell them sth vulnerable about urself"
and as leaders, we should never put our members in that situation.
wowwwww.

i need to go bathe. tired..... sleeepyy.....

latenightchat

2009-04-26T02:18:00.003+08:00

theres freedom in the name of Jesus.
two years, two years.

granny brought me new toiletries.
new shampoo! yay:)
i have a thing for new soaps and shampoos haha sorry.

2009-04-25T02:34:00.003+08:00

i believe that being a friend is more impacting than being a leader.
i really do believe in that.
and so my prayer is that with a shepherd's heart, ill always be a friend or more.
but never a leader known just for leadership.

2009-04-25T02:30:00.003+08:00

i caught 17 again!
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!

i need to go to the dentist later.
i should be asleep.
what colour rubber bands should i get? ohh the dilemma every 4 to 6 weeks.

let go, let GOD.
let go, let GOD.
let go, let GOD.
so true, so true.

love covers all shame
love guides,
love hopes in all things.

2009-04-24T01:58:00.002+08:00

have been spending more time with grandma at nights watching tv and in the car.
i realised that her love language is more inclined to service and well, in the car, theres where
we have my most treasured conversations with her. About her friends, karaoke, school, food, family news.

i think my grandparents dote on me alot, just that sometimes, i dont pause to appreciate it enough.

anyway, training today felt good for some sadistic reason. haha.
its been sometime since i experience the fellowship of sufferings with fellow team mates in such a way. agility training meant alot of running and stomach exercises to train your core area.
then there was partial supper at old airport road again. i seem to be eating there alot lately.

i read a quote yesterday,
it said, "no one is worth your tears, and the one who is worth it wont make you cry"
hmmm. i know God is worth it:)

2009-04-23T18:42:00.002+08:00

would it actually be worth the wait?
would it bring a smile rather than pain?
if ive heard, i should believe?
if ive heard, i should abide.

be the way i was made.

2009-04-23T00:37:00.003+08:00

there are two islands,
and a city.
u get to pick, but dont take too long.
why is the privilege even present i wonder?

i wanna love like im not afraid,
i wanna be the way i was made.
made in your likeness, made with your hands,
made to discover who you are and who i am.
i wanna live like theres no tmr,
i wanna dance like no ones around,
i wanna sing like no ones listening,
i wanna lay my body down.
i wanna love like im not afraid,
i wanna be the way i was made.

phonecalls.

2009-04-22T00:41:00.002+08:00

the way i am, is God's creation.
i like:)

Mr Obashi Shinkuno once said
"phonecalls were never that hard.
the rings didnt scare that much.
the throat didnt have to clear.
the mind didnt have to settle before the pick up.
the conversations were never that superficial.
the thoughts didnt have to settle after the put down.
it was rather natural then."

"based on an episode of poiltical issues, what can remain natural shall remain natural."

been rather free this past one week:)
had match with Singapore poly and livewire today.

to hear cars whiz past u at the midnight hour
to hear footsteps of your very own
raises questions.
raises unknowings.

on a sidenote, ive been twittering quite abit at home. hahaa.

discrete hopes.

2009-04-21T02:30:00.002+08:00

you might just get it all:)
i might just get it all:)

im going home to the place where i belong.

caught shoppaholic, funny how in the midst of a bimbotic show, some life lessons shined through.

communication, treasured conversations.

2009-04-20T00:39:00.002+08:00

facts, opinions, heartfelt feelings.

heartfelt feelings, opinions, facts.

all i want is to be deep inside your presence.

sometimes i wonder why we try so hard
why we try so hard to put up walls that collapse and fall on ourselves.
a glimmer brings us hope.
a hope brings us vision.
vision brings us hope.
hope lets us see a glimmer of light.
righteousness, peace and joy.

wake up earlyyyyy.

2009-04-16T09:23:00.004+08:00

so this is the third hour im awake, amazing! haha
morning airrrrr... :)
the day more or less started out well, nice weather and breakfast.

i dream a dream.
a dream that will never die.
i wait a wait.
a wait that will never hurt.

rewriting what needs to be rewritten,
rewriting this.

2009-04-16T02:48:00.004+08:00

im thinking, why is it that secondary school
was one of the happiest moments of many people's lives.
i think it goes beyond the friendships, memories, not-much-stress,
skipping of lessons, trouble, laughter.
theres more to it, i really believe there is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

check this out!
"biggest wake up call" haha.
dont judge,dont judge.

hi bystander, we'll just wait and see.
5 years would be a good time.
blink your eyes, hold the organ, youll get your result.
but maybe then, it wouldnt bother you at all.
maybe then, the movie might be a hotseller.
maybe then, the movie i create would beat it hands down.
dont run even before you learn to walk.
dont walk before you learn to crawl.
assumptions at its best, expectations at its lowest.
the carpet, the aisle. then, the bystanders watch, the person knows.
will know.

2009-04-16T02:32:00.002+08:00

sometimes, like now, i believe in the theory
ignorance is bliss. we dont always have to know everything do we?
today showed me the simple life.
the poorest and dumbest/stupidest ( according to man's judgement which shouldnt be existent in the first place) can be the happiest.
but then again, happiness is a choice, its for a moment.
but the Joy of God is lasting.
as of now, i think thats a priority on my "pursue list".

not because of what ive done, but cos of who You are:)
wave tossed in the ocean, vapour in the wind,
yet, yet, yet, u still do what You do.

i should go wash up and bathe now,
yes, i do admit of my wierd habits such as bathing in the middle of the night.
goodnight cyberouterspace.

BIG

2009-04-15T23:49:00.002+08:00

MY GOD IS BIG
so strong, so mighty.
He goes beyond my wildest dreams.
MY GOD IS GOOD.
hes so good to me.

Hes my God and he is my refuge,
hes the rock on which i stand.
hes my fortress, God, he is my life.
He holds the oceans in his hands.

THERES NOTHING MY GOD CANNOT DO.

anyway, the 19 yearold mark for myself, is a mark of breakthroughs,
a mark of maturity i believe.
i learnt along the way that the proud fall.
i learnt and recognised what true friends and love is made up of:)

life's journey.

2009-04-14T17:53:00.001+08:00

we learn along the way:)
journey accompanied with His presence,
accompanied by answered prayers made unknown.
i choose to trust, love, forgive.

2009-04-12T00:06:00.000+08:00

oh mannnn.........................

11 april

2009-04-11T23:36:00.002+08:00

every wedding i go to, God never fails to teach me about his love for us, about love in general.
not just romantic love, but love as love, as what it is.
and so today was no different.
a joyous occassion i must say:) and pastor dan delivered a very real message. haha not that i can vouch for anything hes said cos i havent been or am not even close to marriage, but i thought what he said made/makes a lot of sense.

so my phone got activated today after paying my bills haha. like finallyyyy:)
indeed a sense of empowerment.

i really do wonder if ...

2009-04-10T15:57:00.002+08:00

i wanted to do what im doing at the moment for a long long time.
grab a laptop, ipod and head down to a cafe like starbucks for my favourite green tea frappe and have some personal time, to pen down thoughts, people watch.
nothing emotional, just a break from everything to reflect and think.
and when i had the chance to do it, IT HAD TO BE A PUBLIC HOLIDAY. grrrr.
and as much as i like staying in aircon rooms when its raining outside, it was a little crowded here. not very successful i must say. haha

im jus thinking that sometimes being caught up in a routine is not as bad as it seems when ure in it. im just thinking that we always want what we dont have. im just thinking that we always learn to treasure after we lose someone/something. im just thinking that in our desire to be different, we are similar, but its the call of God over our lives and how God sees us that makes us special. im just thinking that sometimes ignorance is bliss though people might think ur dumb, it doesnt matter actually. haha. im just thinking that God has granted me blessings and placed people in my life who matter and guide me at different seasons. im just thinking that words does wonders when accompanied with actions. im just thinking that technology has robbed many including myself from the simplicity and basics of life, but yet has benefitted us. im just thinking, that every relationship with someone else differs, and no two friendships can be the same - the uniqueness of it. im just thinking that its true that we sow what we reap. im just thinking that change is the only constant thing, like it or not, u have to accept it, so why not love it? im just thinking that Jesus was Jesus not just cos his status as the son of God, cos like us humans, the only thing that set him apart and made him HIM was what he did, how he lived, how he loved. we expect and think its normal for him, but i dont think it was, i think he struggled like anyone of us would, but he did it anyway.

thats a whole chunk of things u can read if ure bored.
a wholechunk of thoughts that might not matter to you - the reader. haha
but.. to me,makes alot of sense.

2009-04-10T03:50:00.002+08:00

what would you do if u knew the world was ending tmr?
i got inspired by knowing, despite a few disturbing scenes. haha. funny how i managed to pick out some spiritual truth in it.

i should paint another of my room wall tmr.
i should clear my study table.
i should go bathe now.
i should be sleeping.
nigghht:)

thankyoussss

2009-04-10T03:28:00.002+08:00

a big and sincere thank you to those who made this year's birthday abit more special and meaningful than it could have been:) i really appreciate the words, time, touch, service and gifts:) thank God for you you you you you.

tonight, the still wind blows.
what is cold remains cold.

2009-04-09T15:10:00.001+08:00

12 hours later...
bottles, letters, decisions, love.

mylife, yourcall.

2009-04-09T03:52:00.009+08:00

Dear Jesus,
my last teenage year and yes, i do feel more matured than i used to be.
this year made me realise what i really treasure in life.
im blogging this to you cos i wanna show you how much u mean to me, i want others to know how i feel about you, cos you matter to me too much to be hidden.
thank you for holding me in place the last 18 years of my life, for leading my feet to the paths you paved, for putting crossroads to help me align myself when i went array.
i have one wish this birthday, that you help me give you my all, and i mean my all this year.
thats a "whole year/whole life" wish.

but if i could be given the privilege of asking for a specific birthday gift today,
i would cry out, "Jesus, would you please walk into my room and have a conversation with me?"

"i know your presence is always with me, but im not satisfied with that. i want you in front of me, sitting in front of me, letting me see you in the natural form.
its scary cos i dont know what to expect if u actually do walk in but i want it nevertheless. cos i have so much to tell you, so much of my heart to show you, so many dreams to discuss with you, so many people i wanna pray for, so many secrets to tell you, so much tears to shed, so many jokes to share, so many funny moments to laugh together with you, so many people i wish to save.
i really dont have much to give you, but i could offer you my comfy bed in my room where we could just sit down and talk.
i could offer you nice speakers to listen to praise and worship.
i could play and sing a few parts of songs i wrote to you on the guitar.
i could offer you some food and drinks if u wanted and spend the entire night together just chilling out in an aircon room.
i could offer you my favourite mogu bright green pillow to cuddle with, or my comfy comfortor if youd actually want it.
i could offer you my life through small ways and every way.
i have trophies in this room of mine, mostly through the sporting arena, but most importantly, i really wanna ask you how u were feeling when i shined for you in small things like these.
i wanna ask you to show me ur expression that u wore when i won races and matches, i wanna know how proud you were of me.
i wanna show you my prayer journal where my deepest emotions and prayers were penned down, where i wrote letters to you. i know youve read them already, but i wanna flip through the pages with you together. cos i wanna ask you how u felt when i fell, how u felt when i disobeyed, how u felt when i neglected you. i know youd probably say theres no need to cos uve already forgiven me, but id bug u to tell me, cos i wanna know and avoid grieving you in any similar way.
i wanna ask you how much you love me and see you show me love through your very nature.
i wanna ask you what you see in me, and hear it audibly for myself that you see "everything in me"
i wanna look at your nail pierced hands and realise for myself how much u sacrificed cos you loved me so.
i wanna ask you for radical plans to impact others
i wanna ask and be assured that ill be used mightily by you.
i wanna show you past letters given by people and just feel nostalgic with you beside me.
i wanna show you pictures in my computer and share the memories i had with others with you.
i wanna ask you for the plans you have for my future, and im not gonna settle on just "i have plans to prosper you and not to harm you", i would bug you for details.
i would let you smell my favourite perfume, and show u my favourite outfit.
but most importantly, i wanna ask you how to love you and others more.
i wanna look into your eyes of love and compassion, and lean on your chest to hear your heartbeat.
i would be very honoured if you told me ur secrets of your kingdom, and let me lie in your arms and embrace.
i would be the happiest girl on earth. i really would.
i would wanna hear you wish me "happy birthday", and hear how much i mean to you, and tell you how much you mean to me, but of course it would pale in comparison.
but then again, maybe when i do see you, nothing of the above mentioned will matter anymore, but still,
Jesus would you please walk into my room tonight? "

your child,
CONS

choices

2009-04-08T15:18:00.002+08:00

one of the greatest lessons
other than to love God and love others,
learn to be contented.

i remember we once spoke about choices.
and now i see myself reiterating whatever that was said.
cos one of God's gifts and devilish tools is the power of choice.
use it wisely, its more inclined to a gift.
use it unwisely, its the devils tool.

choice to be free,
choice to be happy,
choice to run after a fall,
choice to be honest,
choice to love,
choice to go the extra mile,
choice to smile,
choice to embrace,
choice to be patient,
choice to be responsible,
choice to speak,
choice to keep silent,
choice to be bold,
choice to wallow in the lack of confidence.
choice to follow,
choice to lead,
choice to forgive,
choice to hate.
choice to be you,
choice to not be you.

those who matter.

2009-04-08T15:11:00.002+08:00

my heart and hands are lifted up to you:)

so...
yesterday yesterday is the past.

yesterday reminded me of who my friends are,
how simple friendships and simple doings can make me smile.

today is a reminder that family matters, and they are the support of my life.

tmr is a reminder that i have one more teenage year left,
one more year to make the best out of it as cliche as it sounds.

Mountains declare and oceans roar
all of creation stands in awe
Holy is the Lord.

silence.

2009-04-07T16:37:00.002+08:00

an adaptation from my oh so pretty borders journal.
it was meant to be a random piece of writing out or boredom that suddenly lead to a certain flow and made sense to both of us.

Silence by adriel wong the irritant of my life.

"i think that silence is so precious.
that we can sit and not talk,
and not feel like there's something missing."

"And yet silence can hurt,
the days and weeks that we dont hear from each other - everyday feeling like a hundred years.
to break this silence, i would sing to you, or not,
because words and melody could never do justice to this feeling."

"To break this silence, i would shout your name across mountains and valleys,
if only my voice could reach across the vast distances into your icy heart."

"This silence deafens, when i think of our past conversations,
of the secrets we told each other, this silence is louder than thunder."

"This silence scares me and yet it comforts me.
and this silence is a gift to you, becuase you may not like the words i have for you.
this silence is a gift because any words would only tear us apart. "